Some people scan NFL rosters in the offseason, looking forthe necessary holes to plug to create a championship contender. Some peoplescan NFL rosters looking for trade candidates to get their team over the hump. Iscan NFL rosters trying to imagine what everyone’s penis looks like.

Welcome to: Packing heat or lacking heat.

A few notes: 1) I’m going off of 2018 NFL rosters, 2) I’mlooking to stay away from the easy, stereotypical answers, and 3) I enjoyedthis way too much.

Trubisky, who opened the season as the Bears’ starter, then was benched for Nick Foles, only to return to the lineup when Foles got hurt, has outplayed Foles this season. Nick Foles: Pos: QB, 2020: 1 TD,Career: 67 G, 6 TD, ProBowl, Eagles/Rams/. 2012-2020, 1x Rate Leader, born TX 1989.

Let’s start with the NFC – the AFC will follow.

NFC

North

Chicago Bears

Packing Heat: The impetus for this little exercise came from a debate I used to have with my cousins many years ago about who we thought had the most monstrous dong in the NFL. We all agreed at the time that it was Brian Urlacher, and that he would shock the world. But as I said above, we’re going off of the 2018 roster. Just wanted to give that little background and shoutout.

In terms of current Bears, Khalil Mack is an easy answer.Why do you think they’re called “sacks?” You also can’t go wrong with Pro BowlDE Akiem Hicks, who lines up at all of 6-5, 332 pounds. No chance that carrot’sa baby.

Just to let you know, if you search “Chicago Bears Penis” onGoogle, it takes you straight to Dick Butkus. Also for the record, I spared youthe cheesiness of going with Kyle Long. You’re welcome.

Lacking Heat: Unquestionably, Cody Parkey. People think that the worst kicker in the NFL last season simply needed a wider goalpost on his season-ending playoff miss against Philadelphia. I personally think he need a wider cut of weiner wood between his legs.

Wild Card: Hard to get a read on a man named “Tarik Cohen.”

Detroit Lions

Packing Heat: Matt Prater has the biggest leg in the NFL, which should naturally extend to his third one. Would’ve said MegaDong if he hadn’t retired. Also, anyone remember this from LeGarrette Blount?

Lacking Heat: Ricky Jean Francois. I’m assuming this guy is French, right?

Wild Card: Theo Riddick has to know a thing or two about dick, it’s in his name. He may be tied for the second-shortest guy on the team at 5-9, but this is one penis that cannot be counted out.

Green Bay Packers

Packing Heat: I thought Nico Siragusa would be a good pick here at 6-4, 330. But I’m disappointed to find out that he’s not related to Tony Siragusa, so I’m going with tackle Bryan Bulaga. Can’t go wrong with a guy named after a whale.

Lacking Heat: DeShone Kizer is a Bruno Mars- looking pussycat of a quarterback. I also just assume anyone who went to Notre Dame is weak in the weewee.

Wild Card: On one hand, you always gotta look out for the former basketball players when it comes to pork sword. By that logic, Jimmy Graham should be head hog. But the other hand, this albino ginger mother$#@!er already looks like a defiance of God.

Minnesota Vikings

Packing Heat: Linval Joseph is 330 pounds of man. Plus he was born in the Caribbean, though I’m not quite sure what that means. Or do I…

Lacking Heat: There are a lot of good candidates on the Vikings, but let’s go with Andrew Sendejo. There’s a great story about him answering the door for the pizza delivery man in nothing but his underwear. Apparently, Sandejo is a poor tipper. Literally and figuratively.

The delivery man, upon getting home, tweeted this:“@Asendejo if you’re gonna open the door for the delivery guy in your underwearand make him stare at your tiny dick, tip more #shittytipsendejo.”

It’s also worth noting this picture of EversonGriffen.

Wild Card: Hard to get a read on Chad Beebe, son of former NFLer Don Beebe. He’s got kind of a junkie vibe going on, sometimes those dudes have a strong dong. Also, you have to get a look at CJ Ham, the fullback. This picture looks like it was resized and stretched out in Microsoft Powerpoint. I’ll bet Ham has a ferocious tree stump.

East

Dallas Cowboys

Packing Heat: Leighton Vander Esch may have taken the linebacker’s mantle from Urlacher in terms of the King Kong of Ding Dong. I’m not sure why, but I’m envisioning him having an absolute hammer. It’s frustrating the number of measurements they take at the combine without doing the most important one.

Lacking Heat: Dak Prescott. Anyone who does the Campbell’s Soup commercials has a stunt in the front. Donovan, I love you, but I’m talking about you too.

Wild Card: How could I not shout out Tyron Smith here. He’s an absolute beast on the field, and you know the man has some height in his tights.

New York Giants

Packing Heat: Dalvin Tomlinson. Too ugly not to have a python.

Lacking Heat: Punter Riley Dixon is one of the NFL’s preeminent redheads. I am unsure as to how this affects penis size, but I’m assuming for the worse.

Wild Card: Are we actually supposed to believe that Nate Stuparr is a linebacker, let alone a football player? This guy knows something we don’t. And it’s probably that he has a huge dick.

Philadelphia Eagles

Packing Heat: Everyone knows the answer here is Nick Foles. For you non-Eagles fans, you may have heard the moniker “Big Dick Nick” over the last two seasons and simply thought it was bestowed upon him for his clutch-time heroics. But the legend of BDN began well before that. Back in 2014, former Eagles linebacker Connor Barwin was participating in one of Reddit’s infamous Q&A sessions. Barwin gamely chose to answer a question about who had the biggest dong in the locker room.

“Doesn’t the internet know it’s Nick Foles?”

Then, more stories started coming out. The nickname “Big DickNick” allegedly harkened back to his University of Arizona days, where thesix-foot-six QB had a penis so notorious that women were afraid to sleep withhim. Rumor spread that it was so big, Foles had to fold it several times justto fit in his cup.

Add this to some of the most legendary performances in playoffs and late-season history, and you’ve got one big dick.

Lacking Heat: Alshon Jeffery is way too goofy, and may have the least swag of anyone on the Eagles.

Wild Card: Fletcher Cox deserves a shoutout here for some fantastic penis antics. A North Carolina man literally sued Cox for seducing his wife and subsequently breaking up his marriage. He sent her pictures of his enormous wang and told her he’d like to get her pregnant. For the record, this (ex-)husband sounds like an absolute cuck.

Washington Redskins

Packing Heat: Anyone named Moses has an absolute staff. Morgan Moses is 6-6, 335, and probably has enough penis to use as a belt.

Also, we have to give a shoutout to Vernon Davis here, asthe man has a member so massive that it was once the only way to tackle him.Davis even demanded the NFL make a rule change afterwards. I’mserious.

Lacking Heat: Colt McCoy. Maybe everything isn’t bigger in Texas.

Wild Card: Josh Norman looks like a donkey, so I’m assuming his junk followed suit.

South

Atlanta Falcons

Packing Heat: I like Jack Crawford. He has the same name as a character in my favorite film of all time. This has nothing to do with anything, but he probably has a big penis.

Lacking Heat: Bear with me on this one, it’s gonna take some convincing. I’m going Julio Jones. The guy just doesn’t look right. He’s been a stud receiver in the league for years now, but he frankly has the facial structure of a woman and I could see him needing to set the thermostat high.

Wild Card: Steven Means. Do you know what Steven Means? Steven Means business.

Carolina Panthers

Packing Heat: Greg Olsen. Don’t believe me? He’ll tell you himself! Skip to 6:05. (If you don’t know the story behind this rap, look it up. It’s legendary.)

Lacking Heat